Self-awareness. Simple concept. Challenging accomplishment. As much as it seems like we should all be able to assess our actions, an astonishing number of people go through life and relationships without any idea how their own behavior can impact their decisions, relationships and ultimately, their happiness.
I have written several articles that address those things in life that can hold you back from relationships. From deciding to be or not to be a victim to deciding tosettle or not to settle, I have tried to highlight decisions that we all have control over. After all, we all know that the only behavior we can control is our own. The problem arises when our self-awareness is low. In my book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating, I identify it as “those who fail to embrace their own reality.”
We all know the person who thinks that every bad thing that has happened is someone else’s fault, and, really, someone else’s responsibility. And do you know the person who is willing to date anyone to avoid being alone? Yes, you do. And what about the exhausting friend who continues to participate in old relationships that are supposedly “over” but by the continual communication with these “over” relationship-people and the subsequent regurgitation of the trauma of these “done” relationships, it is obviously not OVER! The ones who have BIG GLARING RED FLAGS in their relationships are the most frustrating... how can you not see what the rest of us see? Help!
But what about ourselves? How often do we take the time to look honestly at our own behavior and decide if we are getting in our own way? Probably not enough. I mean, that’s not fun. And once we become aware that we are getting in our own way, we actually have to change! Ugh! Again, not fun!
So here are some questions to help you start your quest toward self-awareness and your effort to embrace your own reality.
1. Are you unable to spend time alone and feel a need to fill every minute of your time?
2. If you are not dating someone, do you feel inadequate or like a failure?
3. Are you generally angry in your life?
4. Do you find yourself blaming other people when something goes wrong?
5. Do you feel helpless to change your situation in life?
6. Do you continue to communicate with past relationships?
7. Do you find yourself stalking former relationships on social media?
8. Do you overlook flaws in a date/relationship that make you uncomfortable?
9. Do your friends tell you that your date/relationship is unhealthy for you?
10. Do you agonize over your current situation and look back to figure out whose fault it is?
If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” you may need a little self-reflection. When you are aware that you may sabotage your relationships with behavior you can control, it is time to take a break and figure out what is driving your behavior and work on it. If your fear of being alone or willingness to overlook deal breakers is driven by insecurity, that will require some work. Insecurity should not be a driving force in any relationship. If you react to situations in anger, especially misdirected anger, then you need to accept your life as it is now. Take responsibility for your future and release the blame of wrongs past. It only hurts you and your family. Whatever the reason for self-sabotage, until you become aware of it, you can’t stop it. When you acknowledge it and in turn, embrace it, you become empowered to know what you want and make the good choices that will lead you to it! Not easy. But definitely doable!